Rebirth

Life has a funny way of changing you. Sometimes it feels like the hits just keep coming. Sometimes you really feel like you're drowning in madness. But sometimes you wake up, stumble through your moments of desired normalcy and realize; you're not drowning or dying or suffocating. You're simply adjusting to the funny changes of life.


Some of these changes bring fear. Anxiety. Loathing. Confrontation. Some of them bring unrelenting sadness. But some of those painful, gut-wrenchingly embarrassing moments bring unadulterated joy and pride. They bring strength and belonging. Contentment and relief. Acceptance and gratitude.


Through many stages of my life I have wished, hoped and prayed for a better...experience. A better life. A better...me. Fame. Fortune. Artistic flair. A talent that I could exploit and own. It has taken many years for me to accept that this is the hand I've been dealt.


I still have moments of despair and endless questions of why, how...WHEN. And through it all I have learned one thing: THIS IS IT.


There's no chopping or changing or replays. You can't go back and edit the film. This is it. This is all you get. This moment - right here.


So find a way to make it work. To own it. To LIVE it. Life isn't going to wait for you.


Neither is your sanity.


-MJ

Doctor Deadshit

So I went to the doctor again today - my doctor (Dr. Ng) wasn't in and when I'd seen him on Saturday he told me to see someone else. I saw Dr. Wilson. After spending 45 minutes in the waiting room I finally went in to see this muppet...

He looks at my file and says "So, you're here about your flu, right? Not the accident?" Ummm, WTF? I said "Uh, no. Dr. Ng told me to come back to check on my injuries." He says, "Because you were in a car accident, yeah?" *sigh*....

Then he starts telling me that the accident was my fault and how he can't do anything because Dr. Ng needs to do it and all this shit. THEN he realises I work at St. George and starts going on and on about his homeloan woes. FIFTEEN MINUTES OF THIS SHIT and then he walks me out with a certificate for my flu. "Come back and see Dr. Ng." ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

So I'm frustrated, I'm emotional, I'm sore, I'm fucking SICK and all I want is to go home and relax but because my house has no food and no cleaning products I have to stop at Woollies. I spend the next 20 minutes buying my shit and drive home just to break down and cry. Now I can't stop.................

I don't know what happened in that accident but I feel like it opened a fucking gate. I can't stand being alone right now because everything makes me cry. I just need some heavier drugs to knock me out until I'm not sick anymore.

Anyway.. I just feel like I'm not in control of anything.. Like that small moment in time really shook my body to its core. I'm not a cryer. I don't cry at the drop of a hat. The last four days though? I've cried enough to spill the ocean.

On a lighter note, I had a strange dream the other night. I dreamt that I had to roll the bottoms of my pants up to walk through mud or something. When I woke up in the morning my left pyjama leg was rolled up!! Bizarre right?

I'm going to find something to busy myself with. Work probably.... I don't want to feel like a psycho anymore!!!

LOVE! xx

A brush with death...

So its been about three weeks since I've written here. I planned on logging in so often to tell you about the dreams I'd had. The one with Ben Winter and our secret handshake. The one with the oversized gremlin that called me Mummy. The one with Milchael Yeldz's mum and her newborn baby that was about 4 feet tall and had an alien head - WHICH they decided to keep in an oven because it was cold.... It was just too hard to log in and type - I've been exhausted and ever so slightly lazy of late.

Last night changed that though. Last night was possibly the scariest, weirdest, most interesting thing that has happened to me thus far. I had a major car accident last night. I walked away from a crash that could have killed me without a scratch. Just some tender muscles. Allow me to explain....

I was caught up at work. My normal work day finishes at 4 pm - I was stuck there until 7:30 pm. During my final two hours there my mother was texting me to tell me the Royal Wedding was on and I needed to hurry up and get home or I'd miss it. We were having a laugh as she gave me guilt trips about Jazz being home alone in the rain wondering where his mother is and so on. I finished up what I needed to and went to leave.

As I was leaving I stopped at Nick's desk and we had a 30 second conversation about if I just stay another half an hour I can see Kate Middleton walk down the aisle (on the plasma's at work) and THEN go home. I laughed and said "No, I just want to go home." and I walked to the doors. On my way I stopped at the bathroom (I was busting) and then went down to the carpark to get into my car.

On my way through the carpark, I bumped into Adrian who was on his way home in his car. He stopped for less than 30 seconds to remind me about the bobblehead monkey he wants me to get him and he was off. I got into my car, plugged my phone into the iPod connection, set my bag down and started to drive.

Driving home the rain was coming down hard and I found myself driving slower than usual. My tyres aren't great in the rain so I take extra caution and generally drive 10kms UNDER the speed limit.

I stopped at a red light on the corner of Kensington and Railway Pde and decided to change the music on my phone. When I finally looked up the light was green - God knows how long for. So I took off and kept on my way. Instead of going straight down Railway Pde right down to the King George's RD intersection, I turned right off Railway Pde to go under the train bridge - the backway through Carlton. This is the way I always go home...

On my way I stopped at another red light on the corner of Croydon and Queens Rd. When it finally went green I travelled up Queens Rd through Hurstville - still under the speed limit.

As I came up the straight road I noticed (from afar) a dark, flashy car come to the end of his street and stop (adjacent to the road I was already travelling on). I noticed he'd stopped and so I kept going (especially because I have right of way anyway since I was on a STRAIGHT ROAD and he was waiting to cross it to the opposite side). As I came closer I noticed he'd nudged out more. I remember thinking "He'll stop, he has to have seen me. How could he not?" Again I was drawing closer and again he was pulling out more. Again I thought "He's going to stop....". Nevertheless I slowed down ever so slightly. But it was too late...

By the time I realised he wasn't 'nudging out' but 'pulling out' there was no time to react. All I could do was brace myself. I remember screaming "OH MY GOD!" and grabbing the steering wheel while I threw my body back against my seat. All I heard was a massive BANG and suddenly I couldn't see. Suddenly there was an airbag in my face and smoke everywhere. My only thought was "You're wearing your glasses - the glass could be shattered in your eyes." so I threw them off and grabbed the steering wheel.


I had no sense of space or time and didn't realize I was still moving. I finally managed to push the airbag down in front of me and that's when I saw I was on the other side of the road slowly travelling towards the curb. Other cars just moved around me as they drove by... When I finally stopped against the curb I realised I wasn't breathing and my entire body was shaking. Being so focused on that I forgot that the brakes would probably help - I was starting to roll backwards. Trying to figure out where my feet were I searched for the brakes while I was choking on smoke, struggling to breathe and searching for my phone.

Now because I don't know anything about cars I was concerned that the smoke was coming from the engine and started to panic that it was going to explode. I'm now frantically searching for my phone with one thought in mind "Call Ken." I find the phone by pulling on the iPod connection but the phone is stuck somewhere on the floor under my handbag. Being that my hands and body are hysterically shaking it took what felt like forever to finally pull it free.

With it finally in my hands I tried to open the door. It wouldn't budge. I shouldered it open as much as I could and had to use my foot to push it the rest of the way. When I got out I was choking on that horrible smoke and I still couldn't breathe. That airbag had winded me..

I'm standing there hyperventilating and shaking and all of a sudden there is a man in front of me. He's grabbing my arms and screaming "Are you ok???". I was so confused I'm just looking at him trying to form words. He keeps yelling "Are you ok? Are you hurt? Can you breathe? I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. ARE YOU OK???" I finally manage to stutter "I think so...." because I really wasn't sure. Then he's trying to calm me down and I said "I'm ok, just winded. I'll be fine." He told me he only lived four doors down and was leaving the house to get a pizza. "I'm just going to get my phone, ok? I promise I'm coming back." I just nodded at him. He said "I PROMISE I will be back. I'm going to call you a tow truck - don't worry I'll pay for EVERYTHING." All of a sudden I was laughing. "I can't believe we just crashed." Then I was panicking "OMG! Where is your car? I'm sorry I hit it." He looked at me, incredulously, and said "Are you fucking kidding?? Who cares about MY car. It was MY fault. I'm just glad you're ok. When you didn't get out of the car at first I thought 'Oh God, I've killed her...'" He then introduced himself as Terry.

By this stage I was starting to calm down. I just wanted a cigarette and to call Ken. While Terry was off getting his phone I rumaged through my beaten up car for my handbag. I lit a cigarette and called Ken - my voice was still trembling and my hands were still shaking. He freaked out and was on his way to come and get me. Because Terry was still gone when we hung up I called Leila. I needed SOMEONE to talk to me... She didn't answer but by this stage Terry was back and on the phone to the tow truck guy.

We killed time in idle prattle about his job as an auto electrician and how I tempted fate. Suddenly Leila called back and Ken had arrived and the rest is a bit of a blur.

We finally did all of the mundane stuff - swapping details, towing the car etc. Then Ken brought me home and I was still in good spirits. Then my mother called to see if I had gotten home in time for the wedding. I explained about the car accident and endured 10 minutes of her abuse about how I was obviously rushing to get home to see the wedding. Here's a fun fact for everyone out there - if someone you love just walked away from a horrific accident, DO NOT yell at them and spike their temper. So mum and I argued violently about the logistics of the crash before she finally let me be. Three times I had to use the phrase "MUM! THE ENTIRE FRONT END OF THE CAR IS CAVED IN!!!"

When we got home Ken ordered pizza, I called Leila to tell her the finer details and we watched The Big Bank Theory. As I started to really calm down my body started to ache - particularly my left hand. Then my brain started ticking... 

When I collided with Terry and ricocheted into oncoming traffic I missed every other car - and there were at least three at the time. When I collided with Terry I was travelling AT LEAST 10kms under the speed limit. When I collided with Terry the airbag hit me in the face and on the chest - blinding and winding me. If one thing had been different this whole thing could have been a lot worse... Which brings me to the 'sliding doors' effect....

If I had left work on time.. If I hadn't stopped by Nick's desk to talk about the wedding or if I hadn't gone to the bathroom on the way out - I would've beaten Adrian through the carpark and left before we could spend 30 seconds chatting. If I hadn't lingered at that red light changing the song on my iPod or gone straight down Railway Pde (which I do on the odd occassion) - I wouldn't have been stopped at the red light at the bottom of Queens Rd when Terry was just getting into his car at home to go pick up his pizza. If I had driven the speed limit and not 10 kms below I would have been driving PAST Terry's street as he was approaching the intersection. If I had done ONE THING differently we would not have collided. Isn't that CRAZY?!?!?

Anyway... More than anything I'm just glad to be alive and unparalyzed. That crash could have been SOOOOO much worse. I have been thanking God since the minute I realised what happened. Now I'm just trying to work out His message.

Thank you to my darling friends and family who have been so supportive through this whole event - my mother included! Haha. She did call back to see if I was ok and finally accepted that I'm not a fuckwit driver who speeds in the rain! :p

I'm unharmed and alive - simply dealing with the emotional aftershocks. Be prepared for a lot of "I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS" over the next few days. Oh and for the "I need a lift" phone calls since I uh...don't have a car.. :p

LOVE! xx

Behind..

So..

It's my first visit back in a week and I have had many dreams that need to be shared. Problem is, I can only JUST remember bits and pieces of SOME of them! I haven't been writing them down... Now its all too hard.... :p

Work has been exceptionally busy of late and it has claimed 99% of my brain power. Just when I  thought it was beginning to slow down a whole avalanche of shite popped up. Joyful.. Don't get me wrong, I love my job - its just chaotic sometimes!

I can share with you (parts of) my dream from last night. It was so effing random... A friend of mine was offended that another friend didn't attend her birthday - but it felt more like she was dying than celebrating a birthday. Its like we all knew she was dying but we were having a party for her birthday...? Weird.. Anyway, then I was in a park on one of those old school merry-go-rounds with two toddlers. As we were spinning around on it a couple of dogs jumped on and I was worried they were going to fall off (I know... bear with me..) so I was grabbing at them to try and keep them on the ...thingy. Then all of a sudden the dream changed and I was trying to handle this little live squid.. He wasn't overly happy that I was holding him so he spit ink on me - and it effing BURNED! Seriously. My skin started to melt where he'd INKED! It was one of the most random dreams I've had in a while...

The rest that precede last night's dream were just as odd - but now I can't remember them! I will get better at this................

That's it for now, the Big Bang Theory is on and I am debating between French Vanilla ice cream or tea and scotch fingers........... Such decision! :p

Til next time - adieu! :)

MJ xx

B.A.U.

*sigh*

So it's Tuesday and almost like the weekend was never here. Today was my second 11 hour day in a row and I am absolutely exhausted. My brain feels like its been steamed at the local Chinese restaurant with the crab meat and chicken wings....

Anyway.. My last two dreams weren't overly exciting. I tried to record Sunday night's dream on Monday morning but my brain and my writing arm don't like to co-operate at 6 am... Last night's I can only remember key themes - Ken and I were arguing about....SOMETHING...annnnnnnnnnnnnd that's all I got....for now......... My brain has decided that memory block is best for me right now so you'll have to hold on for something more exciting! :p

My day, although busy, was unbearably long. There's a lot going on at work at the moment - which is great, however, it is tiresome. I have a lot of recruitment going on right and all of the newbies (managers and all) start on MONDAY. As I said, its not a bad thing - just painful to co-ordinate all at once. But ALAS I am a bit genius so, no doubt, it will be done with so-close-but-yet-so-far-perfection. :D

My evening has so far been short - I got home around 7:30'ish. I spent 15 minutes deliberating about what to have for dinner, finally agreed (with myself) on vegetable soup with toast, cooked and ate it before deciding its not even remotely close to what I felt like and then stifled the unsatisfactory feeling with Sara Lee french vanilla ice cream out of the carton. I am now on the couch watching Top Gear and really craving my bed.... Its just too far... :p

Anyway.. That's all I got for now - all my brain will give me.

Back soon! :) xx

MJ

Deja Vu

So I had a surreal experience this afternoon (one of many recently). A few months ago I had this random dream about this kid setting the dinner table for his mother. He took down a bunch of plates from the cupboard and placed them on the table. He went back into the kitchen to get something else and when he looked back at the dining table the plates were gone. He then looked in the cupboard and found them exactly where they had started. A girl appeared in the kitchen asking him what was wrong and he tried to explain. At that moment the plates fell from the cupboard and shattered all over the floor. Then the dream switched and moved on..  

This afternoon I was watching a movie I'd never seen (or heard of) before - The Haunting In Conneticut. About half an hour into the movie, the kid started to set the dining table. It wasn't until the plates fell from the cupboard onto the floor when my heart started pounding and I realised I'd seen the whole thing before. Piece by piece. The table setting, the fear on the kids face when the plates appeared in the cupboard, the plates breaking. So weird. Its not the fact that the movie was a true story that freaked me - it was the fact that I'd dreamed every minute of it. So, so weird.

I wish I could say it was the first time it had ever happened but it wasn't. I generally giggle it off - today included. Its just so surreal.....

Apart from that my day was quite enjoyable. :) Ken and I went shopping for 'motorbike boots'. He just bought a Harley - a Sportster 48 - its adorable. We didn't find any boots that he liked but I did end up with new shoes. :) Could you expect any less....? :p

Now we're just chillin on the couch watching The Mentalist - cute show. Ken made dinner tonight - Mac & Cheese with fetta. It was different but still pretty awesome. :)

I'm also dealing with the fact that tomorrow is Monday (not very well, I might add). I just can't believe how quickly the weekend goes and the new week drags......................

Anyway - until tomorrow...adieu! :)

MJ xx

The first of many...

Morning!

I can only remember the key themes from last night's dream. This happens sometimes... Often I'll remember the entire dream start to finish, but other times its all very vague except for key parts.

Last night I was at an old house I used to live in and we were hosting a house party for someone I knew. Being the host, I also acted as security so when a taxi pulled up with two girls I'd never seen before I did everything to get rid of them. One of them looked a little like a junkie and I was losing it at her "Get the f*ck out of here, you're not on the list! Its my house!" etc, etc. Then she started crying about how she travelled for an hour to get there and doesn't have money to get home and whatever. Then all of a sudden her friend was next to me and she was crying too and I looked at the girl I was hosting the party for (who didn't know who they were either) and we had a telepathic conversation that said "What harm will it do..?". So I allowed them to stay.

Then the dream switched and we were hosting a musical at work (WTF??). We hosted auditions for everyone at work. I ended up being the director with Lana (classic) and the dream started to fade away from here.

The weirdest part of my dream was the next section... I was assisting with building a very modern mansion. When I say modern I mean the things you would have seen on Time Cop and iRobot - automatic doors that scan your irises for security, beds that hover off the ground, security systems that talk to you - the list goes on. When the owner asked me if a law had been passed yet for (and I quote) "muslims to live in this house?". Umm.... What?? At least that's what I thought when I woke up... In my dream its like it was normal. "Yes" I replied, "They're allowed now, would you like me to invite them in?". So effing weird.

Anyway that's all I can remember from last night. This isn't even scratching the surface on how random and ridiculous my dreams get. I hope you're ready for the rest! :p

MJ xx